Drawing the Line Between Who I Was and Who I Hope To Be

I'm probably not alone in the fact that my conversion to Islam has severely dampened my social life. I used to not be able to go five minutes without my phone ringing....now...days go by....I have been isolated from my previous world....At first I blamed the fact that I had changed my ways so people needed time to adjust, and that it was just something I had to get over. Now I am realizing that I have not completely let go of my old life.

I discovered this notion last night as I was sitting in a restaurant with my coworkers. None of my coworkers are Muslim, or really knew to much about it until I came along. As we were sitting there at the restaurant table on a friday night celebrating our recent certification, all of them downed beer after beer. For the past two years I have been tricking myself into believing that I needed to somehow make them feel comfortable with Islam by "bending" my comfort zone. If they see me in a place like this restaurant on friday night...somehow they wont think Islam is super strict and will maybe soften their resistance to it a bit. I realized that all this was accomplishing was changing their opinion of ME not the religion. A coworker actually slipped alcohol into my drink thinking that I was "trapped" and needed to be "freed" from my cell of non alcoholic nights out. I know this person (well at least I chose to believe) that this person did not mean anything by it, and were just trying to see if I liked alcohol, in some way that didn't have me consciously choosing to drink. I felt so terrible and violated. These people were not learning about Islam by being around me at all. I thought that if I "infiltrated the front lines" of DC's youth, than maybe even one of them would come out of this with something worth my discomfort. NOPE. All I have been doing is ruining my progress in my deen. May God forgive me and them.

 

Answered Prayers

Sometimes we pray for things that we aren't sure how they are going to be answered. Sometimes we ask for something specific. I happen to pray for things that my heart desires like most. I was feeling alone and confused. I thought that I was alone in my situation and that I was the only one going through a tough time. Growing is very difficult, especially when it is away from what you have always known. Just as your bones ache as they grow, your soul does when you are changing. It is only healthy to mourn for the future you lost, even if it wasn't the best for you. That is what I am doing, I am going to mourn for the Christmas's I won't have, the baptism my child will never have, and the many beaches and pools I won't enter. I will mourn for the clubs I won't dance in, the man's hands I won't shake, and the best guy friends I won't make. I have to mourn for those things even if they aren't the best for me. I have to mourn them because my past is dying. I am not who I was three, two, or one year ago. My name is still Katie, I still see myself in the mirror. My reflection is still the same, what lies behind the reflection is what has changed. How I look at my reflection is different. I have recieved everything I have prayed for. Each answered prayer might have not come in the package that I predicted, but things generally do not. I have been surprised and delighted with God's plan for me, I have been led through experiences I never dreamed of and been introduced to people I could have never imagined. Thank God for every moment and every second of my life.